It’s been so hard to write lately. It’s like there is just too much going on in my mind. I’m less focused, but at the same time, doing more than I ever have in my life. I seem to thrive when I am involved with a few different things at the same time. Though this takes away from my chances of becoming great at something, it keeps my motivation at peak.
The mind is so unpredictable. Well, at least mine is. I feel I want to be this great writer, and I know I have become much better. At times, I have shown a touch of something great. I just know it. People have said things to me about my work that has blown my mind. But then, some time passes and I start to wonder.
Do I have the patience to sit and write for hours on end, for the rest of my life? The next thing I know, I am signing up for a new martial art, and throwing myself into it like a madman. It’s how I like to take things on. I just can’t do anything unless my heart is all in.
It’s not like I don’t follow through with things, because I do. I have written a book and a half, and countless stories and articles. I’ve reached the level of black belt in Taekwondo. I’ve clearly taken a liking to both of these areas, but what do I really want? What am I looking for?
More than anything, I know that I want to do something amazing, or do something, anything, in a way that will amaze others. I want people to know I have a strong heart, I care for people, and things matter to me. I am not here to sit around and watch my life pass by without reaching for something that appears beyond my grasp.
For now, I am moving along a winding path. I couldn’t tell you if I am more in control of the direction, or if something is leading me. I have crazy desire to write more stories, and I know there is so much I have inside, waiting to come out. I believe that. Yet, the writing thing seems to be on hold, for the most part. One thing I have learned is that, you can’t force creativity.
I know that taking on something new will always liven up your life and make things new and interesting. Maybe this needs to happen right now. I have taken on a new Karate style. I have become involved with arm wrestling tournaments, making 2nd place in one. Two more are almost upon me. Maybe I’m trying to take on too much, or maybe my mind is just a little loopy. But I’m doing things, I’m challenging myself. I’m still writing, for school and what not, and will have my English degree in a year. I have not given up on anything.
I write this, not to brag about things I’ve done, or am doing, but simply to make sense of it all, for myself. I’m just trying to live my life. Writing about it, even if no one will ever read it or care, always helps a little. And honestly, it feels good to know that people might just be able to relate in some way.
For now, I’ll try and hold onto the idea that I have established a good writing foundation. Now, I must experience more of the world before I can truly put my all into writing something meaningful and important. Whatever the outcome, I know in my heart I am living my life to my full potential. I am making sure there can be no regret. I just don’t have time for that shit.